The Day I snubbed someone and didn’t even remember it

I just got back from dinner with a buddy of mine from college named Chris.  We hadn’t really talked in years, and just randomly decided to get together and catch up.

We talked about what he’s doing, what I’m doing, reflected a bit on MessageSling, and then, mid conversation, he hit me with a ton of bricks:

Chris: Ok I gotta ask —

First of all, I use that line.  When I preface something with that line, it’s usually a precursor to something… difficult.  Chris didn’t pause after those 4 words, but I immediately thought to myself “oh shit.”

Chris: Ok I gotta ask, what was with that time you sent me that email saying ‘Unfortunately, you are not going to be joining our team at this time’ ?

…

What?

Chris: “Yeah we were talking about working together and I was really excited about it, and then I got some weird email from you and that was it.  Done.”

…

?

I had no idea what he was talking about.  I pressed him a bit, and some things started to come back.  Back during the spring of 2008, MessageSling had just received a bit of funding.  Chris was getting his MBA at Babson, and approached me about working with MessageSling.  He was really excited about working with us.  We chatted informally, tried to setup a couple times for the three of (Chris, Scot, and I) to have a few beers, and then one day I sent him an email that was short, curt, and awkwardly formal which quickly ended all discussion on the matter.

The reasons behind why I sent that email are a bit cloudy.  I think the genesis for it was a conversation Scot and I had around how much help we could get actually get from an MBA student.  We couldn’t pay him.  We were concerned about equity.  He’s only a student.  He would only be around for the summer.  He would only be part time.  He isn’t in Sturbridge.  Blah blah blah.  The details aren’t the point of this post, and I’m pretty sure that cutting him off like that was a mistake — when someone wants to help you, you should never turn them down.

The point of this post?  That day was 26 months ago.  Chris has been thinking about this for 26 months.  I never gave it a second thought.  The first time we chat after two years, he brings it up.  He prefaced it with “Ok I gotta ask….”

This really bothered him.

He wasn’t trying to start an argument or trap me or throw me under a bus, and he wasn’t being a dick about it.  He just wanted to know why.  It really froze me.  I felt like he deserved to know why.  I felt terrible that he had wondered about that for years.  I owed him an answer, but I couldn’t give him one.  I really don’t remember all the details.

This is a startup example of something I’ve noticed in other areas of my life: sometimes an action which can seem inconsequential to one party can mean a great deal to another.

This wasn’t some random biz dev guy at another company — those guys you can snub when there’s too much going on :).  This was a smart friend reaching out.  Not only did we not accept his help, but I basically told him to fuck off (in an email!) and never gave him an explanation.  You can’t do that to people.

Moral: As a startup founder, you’ve got to keep in mind how your actions affect other people even more than usual.  A small one line email that takes you 10 seconds to write can reverberate though someone’s mind for YEARS making them wonder: “Why?”

Bonus Moral!: Another thing this little blog post highlights is how valuable keeping in contact with people can be.  Out of it, Chris finally got a bit of closure (we didn’t hate him).  I was reminded of how small actions can mean a lot to other people.  And you got this blog post :)

Thanks
I want to thank Chris for proofreading this draft and letting me post it.